Monday, June 23, 2014

Augustus Waters fears oblivion, sure, but I fear opinions

For those of you who know me, hello again; for those of you who don't, I'm K.S. Jane. I am generally referred to as K.S. on the interwebs but I am sure it won't take long for my first name to be given out. It's not a huge deal, but K.S. is certainly my favorite. 

I read a lot of blogs on the regular, most of them are close writer friends, but not all of them are. I'm constantly wowed by their writing and their ability to crank out blog posts. I cannot do the same. I wish I could. Something is constantly putting its foot down and telling me I can't write these blog posts, that they won't be good, they won't be read, and so on. It's not putting my writing out there so much, I posted everyday four years ago, and two years ago regularly, so I have blogged before. Those who have talked to me lately know how much I've been struggling with this. Then I realized why. It's opinions guys, yours to be exact. 

Augustus Waters fears oblivion, sure, but I fear opinions.

It's true. I fear what those are thinking about what I'm saying or what I'm wearing, or anything. My radar goes crazy and I'm instantly paranoid. I can't help but wonder what's going on in that person's mind. Whether that expression had anything to do with me. This probably makes it sound like I'm narcissistic, and that I think everything revolves around me. That isn't true. It's not that I think everyone thinks highly of me or that I'm THAT amazing causing people to talk about me. No! If I thought like that, in that particular fashion, I wouldn't walk around with my head down and as close to the wall as possible, apologizing to everyone I cross paths with because I constantly conclude that I'm in THEIR way, and that it is always MY fault. I don't know why I think that way. It's much easier to keep to myself. It's easier to feel small, because I am small. 

Which also means I think my words are small. That they don't matter and that I should keep my mouth shut. I try to! I do. I struggle to understand why people label me as outgoing. I don't see that. Sure, I can spontaneously audacious, but that's not how I always am. I don't like speaking in front of audiences, I don't like group projects, I don't like any sort of presentations. I had a big (to me) speech at the end of May, that I'll probably save for an entirely different post, but I dreaded it before, during, and after. I'm not fond of putting myself out there to be criticized or judged. The strange thing though, is how my nature is to be a leader, to teach, and to guide. I tend to do those things, I do them a lot, though in reality, I like to stay quiet. Just one of those strange oxymorons that make me me. 

I really don't know how to end this, which is easily another reason why I don't write as much as I should, endings suck!

I guess this wasn't so bad. (But it also wasn't wonderful)

Until next time.