Monday, June 23, 2014

Augustus Waters fears oblivion, sure, but I fear opinions

For those of you who know me, hello again; for those of you who don't, I'm K.S. Jane. I am generally referred to as K.S. on the interwebs but I am sure it won't take long for my first name to be given out. It's not a huge deal, but K.S. is certainly my favorite. 

I read a lot of blogs on the regular, most of them are close writer friends, but not all of them are. I'm constantly wowed by their writing and their ability to crank out blog posts. I cannot do the same. I wish I could. Something is constantly putting its foot down and telling me I can't write these blog posts, that they won't be good, they won't be read, and so on. It's not putting my writing out there so much, I posted everyday four years ago, and two years ago regularly, so I have blogged before. Those who have talked to me lately know how much I've been struggling with this. Then I realized why. It's opinions guys, yours to be exact. 

Augustus Waters fears oblivion, sure, but I fear opinions.

It's true. I fear what those are thinking about what I'm saying or what I'm wearing, or anything. My radar goes crazy and I'm instantly paranoid. I can't help but wonder what's going on in that person's mind. Whether that expression had anything to do with me. This probably makes it sound like I'm narcissistic, and that I think everything revolves around me. That isn't true. It's not that I think everyone thinks highly of me or that I'm THAT amazing causing people to talk about me. No! If I thought like that, in that particular fashion, I wouldn't walk around with my head down and as close to the wall as possible, apologizing to everyone I cross paths with because I constantly conclude that I'm in THEIR way, and that it is always MY fault. I don't know why I think that way. It's much easier to keep to myself. It's easier to feel small, because I am small. 

Which also means I think my words are small. That they don't matter and that I should keep my mouth shut. I try to! I do. I struggle to understand why people label me as outgoing. I don't see that. Sure, I can spontaneously audacious, but that's not how I always am. I don't like speaking in front of audiences, I don't like group projects, I don't like any sort of presentations. I had a big (to me) speech at the end of May, that I'll probably save for an entirely different post, but I dreaded it before, during, and after. I'm not fond of putting myself out there to be criticized or judged. The strange thing though, is how my nature is to be a leader, to teach, and to guide. I tend to do those things, I do them a lot, though in reality, I like to stay quiet. Just one of those strange oxymorons that make me me. 

I really don't know how to end this, which is easily another reason why I don't write as much as I should, endings suck!

I guess this wasn't so bad. (But it also wasn't wonderful)

Until next time.

8 comments:

  1. Putting ourselves out there to be looked upon can be daunting, true, however it can be liberating to our sense of self as we put to word the intricacies of our mind. Proud to welcome you my friend. Proud, sorry proud. Squee.

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  2. I struggled with this for YEARS. I still do sometimes. But I think I just eventually got to the point where I realized that if someone doesn't like what I have to say, and subsequently holds it against me, they aren't worth the time it takes me to worry about it. But it's hard to get to that point, and like I said it took me years. ((hugs))

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    1. I want to be at that point, but I know it'll take awhile. I also know if I didn't make myself do this now, it'll only get harder. Thank you! *hugs*

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  3. Opinions can be that immobilizing thing that weighs heavy. The idea of criticism used to plague me. I can remember putting my first story out there and how terrified I was to hear what people had to say. I've never received a bad comment on a story of mine, but there will always be someone who doesn't like something of mine or something someone else created. I'd like to think I'm my harshest critic, and I still think I am, but I guess time will tell with that.

    More than anything, I fear the silence. I fear my work falling on deaf ears or blind eyes because I rub people the wrong way, or seem gruff. I'm a bit off-putting, I realize that more and more every day. Just gotta work on myself a little at a time. The way I see it, you can't please 'em all. You can certainly try, but you'll trip over yourself doing it. Your the best person at being you. You don't have to be anyone else, and you shouldn't have to fear what anyone else thinks either. You also have a lot of people that love you, and that has to be a comforting feeling. Sorry for the rambling, I do that.

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    1. Don't apologize to me for rambling! Ever.

      I think I'm my harshest critic as well, at least I sure hope so, because I'm the biggest reason I haven't been blogging. Totally get what you mean about the silence thing as well, I'm VERY good at overanalyzing, which makes silence suck to the max. I subconsciously try to please everyone because I want everyone else to be happy. I gotta work on myself a little at a time too.

      Thanks, Rob!

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  4. O no!
    Not snail male!!
    How boring!
    You dont prefer snails, doya?
    I had'm once in France at an 'auberge'
    (thats aplace for fine dining).
    I miss you, female snails.
    Voila!
    Always hope:
    ♡ en.gravatar.com/MatteBlk ♡
    Love you.
    Cya soon.
    be@peace.
    -GBY

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